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30th April 2003
Tears were streaming down my face today. I got an awful feeling my mom was gunna call mne today and tell me my cat (SMOKEY) died. I just hope he isn't in pain. I love him so much.
29th April 2003
School is almost done! I can not believe how incredibly fast this year has gone by. I've had a lot of fun and much will be missed, trust me! But i still have one more paper to bullshit my way through. :
It's been so beautiful the past few days. I can't stay inside or else i get a headache. In that case, I've been rollerblading a lot lately. Yesterday, though, I almost ate the gravel on Comm Ave. Sooo embarissing. As i was catching my grip, i heard someone say 'that chicks gunna fall' yeah, right. thanks to some supernatural power that i now know i have, i didn't fall. I still looked like an a-hole though. Whoops!
Ahhhhh ( a good ahhh) Livin in the moment now. I have mixed feelings about going home....::sigh:: That's enough contemplating. Gotta finish this paper...then be retarded for as long as possible before finals. Peace.
24th April 2003
my first quiz
Your Heart is Red What Color is Your Heart? brought to you by Quizilla
my first quiz! got it from breanne. thanks! I've had entirly too much work this week. And last weekend! OMG....getting back to New York - the worst experience of my life. But I had fun over the weekend. My girls are crazy!!!
17th April 2003
there's not a lot to say about the things caught in my mind
A lot of things happen in 2 weeks. or 1 and 1/2 weeks. I made some new friends, had a life revelation....haha. I'm gunna really miss Boston when I'm home doing absolutly nothing back in the burgh. Being home will be really chill, don't get me wrong, but it will also be predictable. Everything here is just so naturally unpredictable- that's probably why i like it so much. I'm going home for Easter tomorrow with Ashley. We're gunna take the same flight to NYC. That'll be cool. OMG! so much WORK ahead of me! The last 2 weeks of school are gunna be sooo stressful. I can taste it already. Man, that's depressing. But I'm chillin now so its good.
7th April 2003
last night was NEAT. cool cool. i'm bored. i'll update later.
1st April 2003
getting back to the norm
So bored today. It's feeling like a monday. My monday really didn't happen. It just kinda came and went without me knowing about it. :
Last weekend I went to Killington Mountain in Vermont. Got so hurt. I must have fell, like 3 times in the first day. Some guy in my ski group also fell....and as he was in that process, his ski went into my back. Uh, yeah...the asshole didn't even apologize. THAT was not neat. But I got to go back home for Sunday night. That went nice. And...I have really nothing to talk about. Maybe I don't feel like doing this right now. That's probably it. blah blah blah blah blah.
In my new pic, doesn't it look like I'm seducing something? haha
28th March 2003
I keep repeating catchy zoolander lines in my head...over and over and over and over again. It's kinda hard to write right now, or type, rather. Cool story, hansel. haha. But now the forbidden fruit must be tasted. God, I wish I could watch that movie right now! Ashley! Come home! I neeeed Zoolander! It would be so much fun. :
Tonight was quite an adventure. I felt like I was making Dante's journey into the pits of HELLL tonight. Suz and I took a trip to Landsdown St. It was seriously the oddest, most disturbing adventure in the world. We saw all these older people. Like late 30's, 40's, early 50's peeps swamping all the clubs. They were dressed provacativly also. Like Britney Spears. And they were talking about clubs. And then this band played for us inside the window of a bar. I felt special, but then the popo showed up and i was like..out. I love the river. soooo NEAT. Suz kicked her shoe above her head. Billy Madison. CampCo. Creepy 30 some.
OHHH nooooo!!! All the head shops in NY have to close tooo!!! I'm so distraught. LONG LIVE SILVER SHAKE.....you my BOY!
Okay, falling asleep. This is gunna be funny to read this tomorrow. Cool story, hansel.
26th March 2003
So I'm feelin pretty determined today. I really haven't done jack shit though. I did go to all my classes, including...get this....Geography! Whoa! I always forget I have that class; and when people ask me what classes I have, I always say "government". Boston U doesn't have a government class (at least i don't think so). It just shows how much I go....never. It's okay cause when i do go, i can't understand a word that's coming out of my prof's mouth. Maybe I talked about this already. But the man can't pronounce development correctly...he says "devil-up-miinnt". Somehow I have a B + in that course, so its all good. :
Sugardaddy's is closing!! It's a smoke shop. Me and suz hit it up today. We had to wait in a 10 minute line to get in the shop...and then we were limited to 5 minutes of shopping. It's funny - - all the pot heads lining up in a disordered line to buy half price (overpriced) bowls, bubblers, bongs, hookahs, papers..any marijuana paraphernalia. Suz got this sparkly rainbow color bowl. Don't laugh..but it is "so her". It was seriously made for her...she heard it calling her name from the overcrowded showcase. It is quite possibly the most unique bowl i've ever seen. Great job, suz! When we were waiting in line, we saw these monstrous rolls of bubble wrap. (hello!). So I decided that we should jack one roll...run the hell out of there. Set up a little bubble wrap state on Comm. Ave. with a hat in front, and a sign, saying "These girls will dance on bubble wrap for donations...proceeds will go to the girls who dance on bubble wrap for donations" And with the money that we make, we go back to Sugar Daddy's and purchase a sweet-ass bong. Does that sound cool, or what?
Off to Killington Mountain this weekend with the fam. Yippie Horray! I'd actually like to stay here. I know my family is just gunna piss me off. Or I'd like to go home. I still miss spring break. But....I'm determined to get through these last few weeks of school.
Yo, bean..send my cable. Remember the euro-trash party? Jarrett and his roommates are having a Wine and Cheese party this weekend. sounds NEAT, right? why am i talking to you on live journal. That's dumb.
18th March 2003
guess who's back...back again...
Whoops! I forgot I had one of these. Spring Break is gone and I want it back! I seriously made the best of it. Florida was pretty...uh...neat. I was able to say no, which made me feel like a woman. (Whoa, that sounds incredibly rachel corny) And while i was home, I spent a lot of time with Jay. It really was wonderful. I'm once again confused about where we stand, however. I mean, things have been good for a month now, but...i don't have many breaks now dill summer...and...idk, I guess I'll have to see how things pan out. This long distance thing has really proven to be quite a rollercoaster ride.My computer is being really wierd now...i keep typing everywhere and erasing what i already wrote. Look above, It says "dill" instead of "till".I can't fix that. My computer truely hates me. Well, fuck it. And fuck Madame Cleo too. They are both tripped out.
26th February 2003
Today was pointless. I went home last weekend..to the burgh. Well, first I went to albany. That was NEAT. I had fun. Thanks, bean! The morning after, though...my god, I was sooo sick! I wasn't feeling ill when i passed out in someone's bed the night before, but once I woke up (!!). I had to make 2 puke stops on my way home. That night and the night after I spent over Jay's. Things went pretty good.....really good. I don't know what's goin on with us anymore. I have so many different emotions connected with him, it's hard to figure out what I want. It's even harder to decipher what he wants. I truely, genuinly care about him, but I always get this feeling that he's gunna let me down again if I commit myself.....to him. I still need more time to think....i've been thinking for over 6 months, god damnit.
25th February 2003
10 days and counting...
10 days till spring break! I'm so excited. Here's the plan: leave right after class on friday, sleep anywhere but home, go to dentist early saturday : , take the afternoon flight to georgia, meet my cousin there, head to florida....and then chilllll. Sounds good to meee.
I had a few nightmares during my nap today. I was only asleep for like 5 minutes when, of course, i'm dreaming, and i see a vision of myself and what i can see through my eyes. I'm laying in my bed. I have a feeling that i'm sleeping, but i'm not really sure. I look over and start to slide off my bed...very slowly. I'm almost melting off the side of my bed. And then for a few seconds i'm just chilling there, barely holding on, about to hit the floor. I'm okay though. I'm not scared of falling. I am a bit fustrated. I need to get back on my bed so i can wake up and start a new dream...that's the only way...it's always like that. So I'm kind of pissed that i'm just suspended there, not in a freaking out sorta way, but in a chill, stoic way. And then i see flames. I think they're cool at first. I'm thinking that it's pretty cool to see that. But then i realize how close they are. They are so close. I really couldn't feel the heat but I could imagine how much it would hurt. So at this point, i start to get scared. I can't move and the flames are so close to me. So I decide to let go of the bed and fall. I see through my own eyes what i'm falling to. Its a concrete floor. I'm falling so slow, seeing the floor getting closer and closer. But i never hit it, it just spins. I don't remember if i woke up or started a new dream from there.
so much has happened since v-day. (?) well, not really, but somethin imp't. more to come....
14th February 2003
today is valentines day. i'm not particularly excited or pissed. I understand the people who get all worked up over it. It sounds like fun. I've never seemed to be in a serious relationship any past Valentine's Day...and this year it's no different. ::sigh::
12th February 2003
a bit better
it happened again. i started to go blind during one of my classes. it's migranes, i know now. i guess yesterday kinda triggered the migrane that i got today. idk. i saw the apartment we are interested in agian. it looks like we're gunna live there next year. i'm really excited about that. i have yet to tell my parents my definite plans. i really need a job. zoning out is really theraputic.
had to add this...
it was almost as hard as the time i had to tell my mom her brother died
today i feel like such a bitch. I had a huge part in fucking people over. It sucks. And i feel it's selfish of me to say that i feel so bad, so disgusted, and so dissapointed in myself, knowing that the people i've hurt are feeling it 10x more than i am. So i don't know what to feel. I can only say 'yeah, i'm a bitch'. Damn it. Things get blown way out of proportion, people have to analyze every fucking thing down to the bone, and it doesn't help. It makes people feel worse. But i can't speak for people...Let me correct myself: it makes me feel worse. Ignorance is bliss...i wish everything were simple. Does everything get more complicated as life goes on? :
so, on a lighter note: i went to montreal this weekend. what a fucking blast! yeah!! we rented a 94 dodge caravan...we named it the 'NEAT MACHINE' i'll miss the neat machine so much. it was really a blessed minivan.
6th February 2003
happy go lucky
Today i found out what narley meant. Thanks to meg from cali...I can now say things like 'narley mofo'...idk....Going to CANADA this weekend!!! I'm stooged. I totally deserve it. I've been working my ass off doing all my homework ahead of time. Anyways, I think we're gunna take the rental to Ihops or some family resturant or somethin along the way Vermont. Then from there we head toward the land of celien dion.
5th February 2003
it's 3:50. can't sleep, damn it...keep thinking that i should do stupid things that make no sense. It's the stupid things that keep me up. I just realized i never really sleeeeeppp. I nap. Like a cat. I do miss my cat. His name is Smokey. Got him when i was six cause i got straight A's. I love that cat to death. He's really sick now : ( ...a few weeks ago my mom told me that she would only put my cat to sleep if i told her to...thanks, mom....no pressure there! Smokey is the BEST. He's affectionate...but not annoying, like a lot of cats. He's just has a big heart and is really chill. Plus, he would kick your cats ASS! :
Well, gotta go, it's nap time...
4th February 2003
i hate confrontation
I really hate confrontation. Okay, so it's around that time that I have to choose who I want to live with next year. Ideally, I want to live with ash and suz in an on campus apartment of some sort. But the problem is...me and ash dug ourselves into a hole by kinda planning on living with these 2 other girls, both of whom don't know we're gunna screw them over. ughhh...it's a lot more complicated than it seems. I was actually gunna tell my roommate now (who was originally supposed to get an apartment with us) that we can't live with her. But before i gathered up the nerve, she started hysterically crying. Here's what happened: I was on my computer and i looked over to see her laying on the floor with books under her head, laughing and smiling. That's normal for her. She's a theater major. Then she darted up and out of the room. I hear this ridiculously loud sobbing coming from the bathroom. I was like 'okay...why is she practicing her theater stuff in the bathroom?' She sounded like she was in pure agony. So i went in there to see her face buried in her hands. She looks up and her eyes were bloodshot..this was for real, she was really in pain. So i try to comfort her and tell her to come back into the room cause the bathroom smelled like a dirty tampon. She comes back into the room and tells me why her emotions are so extreme. She made one point on how she felt lonely. How everyday she is surrounded by people, she talks to these people, however is extremely empty inside, extremely lonely. Blah, Blah, Blah...she was really upset. All that i could tell her was that she is really a great person with a big heart, and that everybody should know that. Something like that. Needless to say I wasn't about to break the bad news about the apartment situation. I don't even care what happens anymore. All I know is...I don't want to hurt anybodys feelings.
2nd February 2003
Past few days were so bizarre
Thursday was fun, at least i'm pretty sure. Friday....uh..yeah...never again. That's all i have to say about that. Today, although i felt like dying, I went to see a foreign film at the coolidge theater. AMAZING!!! The movie we saw was "Talk to Her". It's a spanish film by pedro almodovar. Amazing, disturbing, hilarious! 2 minutes into the movie and i totally forgot i was reading subtitles. It was an excellent film and i HIGHLY recommend that everybody checks it out. My brother's birthday was actually on the 30th too...whoops! but its okay...i worked things out. Signing off now <---- i will never say that again..........
30th January 2003
Happy Birthday Ashley! Today's ash's b-day. Tomorrow is Bobby's b-day. The day after is Jay's b-day (i think..hmmm). Anyways, that is NEEEAT. (I say that a lot. On Wed, I was pretty productive: went to all my classes, even aerobics; went to post office; ate at a resturant (thank to ash's parents) Now, I consider this pretty productive cause you have to take into consideration how many hours I got of sleep last night. Buddy, I got only 1 and a half hours of sleep. It's kinda sad when you are finally about to go to sleep at 7 am in the morning and you start to hear people get up and start their days. There are a few things that coulda cause my insomnia the other night. here's the list: 1. the frozen yogurt we ordered from Angora cafe...we ordered it around 8 so the delectable treat could accompany us while watching American Idol (gotta love simon) It took them frickin FOR EVER to make the delivery...we finally got them around 9:10 or so and sat and watched the state of union address (gotta love georgy). Anyways, the frozen yorgort had lotsa sugar..which makes amanda hyper...and which makes amanda not know how to sleep. 2. too many lights on in my room. and 3. Had my mind on other things when i was trying to fall asleep. Like, I'm not gunna explain why, but I felt like my insides were being twisted and disoriented. It was a sort of sadness that made my body throw away all intentions of rest. This happens often. But other than the lack of sleep, I feel, overall, pretty good today. Oh, and the wierdest man left a voice mail on my phone today. It was a restricted #. He said ' been trying to call you all day. When you get this you really need to call me, okay?' hahahha...who the hell is this man who sounded latino...could someone please tell me! later
28th January 2003
In my ethic's lecture we were discussing hedonism. Ya know, pleasure is good, pain is bad....5 minutes after Prof. Keller starts his lecture, I start to see spots. Not black spots. But spots of light, blinding light. If I looked directly at my professors face, i couldn't see his face! I saw only light in what should be his head. It only got worse as the lecture went on and the discussion progressed. Do you know when your television gets bad (and i mean bad) reception? That's the best way to describe my vision at the time. The whole room was soo bright. I really thought it would never go away. It did, thank god. I really don't know what onset this horrible experience. Maybe i was so heated by our topic of hedonism and the experience machine. They are extremely though provoking topics, I really must say. I could go on but... Ughh...my head hurts. it'll have to wait.
27th January 2003
there's a first (or second) time for everything
Hey! Welcome to my journal. The last journal i kept was a mead marble composistion in Mrs. Spignardo's class. That was 4th grade. Spig used to grade it. My spelling was horrible (it still is - thank god for abc check)so i usually had to redo my entries. Uhh...i guess my point is...I'm starting this journal so i can write what i do, feel, etc., without feeling any inhibitions. My goal of this journal is the capture the way i think. Each entry is a medium for doing just that.